The Great Pretender

Do you ever feel like we are all pretending all the time? We pretend and put up walls to protect our egos. We both pretend to ourselves and to other people. I realize these are two very different things - with two very different effects. As my friend Jenn points out, if you are pretending to yourself, you are in turn recognizing that lie and not pretending at all. Valid point. But we STILL do it all the time. You may be upset about something, but you are working on telling yourself that you are fine with it. You bottle it up - because you tell yourself you are strong. Does this lie make you stronger or is it just masking the truth and making things unreal?

I pretend that I'm strong when I'm not, I pretend not to care when I do, I pretend to care when I don't...

I stopped pretending once... for a very short time. I was completely head over heals in love and thought that pretending was silly. So I was 110% honest about how I felt, what I wanted, where I wanted to go. Guess what happened there? I got crushed.

I am, of course, speaking of emotional lies and not lying to your boss or pretending to enjoy your job (although that may tie in here somehow). It may be part of the game of relationships between people. She can't know how much you like her or she may not like you anymore - he can't know you no longer have feelings for him because then you will be all alone. This forces us to pretend to ourselves - pretend we don't feel the way we feel. In turn, it translates into pretending to others.

In Greece I really liked this Aussie names Sammy. We hooked up a lot - but when we hung out I treated him like shit. I made fun of him, I ignored him, I pretended to dislike him. Why? Because I was convincing myself that I didn't like him - I couldn't. He lived in Greece... I was traveling around. It would only end poorly.

Although I admittedly hate pretending, it is necessary to our own survival. It, again, translates into our actions. I still have that little part of me that wants to say 'fuck it' and express everything to everyone. I want to tell my ex that thinking of him makes me want to throw up, I want to tell one of my guy friends that I think he is an amazing human being, I want to tell my girlfriend to stop obsessing with being in a relationship and start focusing on herself, I want to tell my buddy to go for his dreams and stop pretending to be happy... - but instead I'll smile at my ex and make small talk, I'll ignore my guy friend, I'll tell my girlfriend she looks great, and I'll just agree with everything my buddy says.

My friend Jennifer says I'm in a bit of an existential crisis...

Life Lessons

I have learned so much in the past year and I have kept this rolling list in my head of life lessons. Most of these lessons were learned the hard way - and others were epiphanies after a small experience.

10. Australians are the most amazing people on the planet (next to Brazilians of course).
9. Everything you need fits into a small backpack.
8. Life is short - stop procrastinating.
7. Material things are nothing - when you die you leave it behind.
6. You are not your job.
5. Travel.
4. Live the life you WANT to live - not the one you HAVE to live. Don't listen to everyone else - they don't know they have a choice.
3. You are capable of everything. (ME? Running a triathlon?!?)
2. Don't be a victim. Just suck it up and do it you pussy.
1. Never change your life path for another person.

Vo

My grandfather (vo) is 72 years old. He hasn't exactly been the model father, husband, or man throughout his life. He married my grandmother as an alcoholic and after finally confronting his problem and becoming a Director of AA in Brazil; he became a womanizer. My grandmother should have won a medal of honor for all she had to deal with while raising their 4 kids.

My grandparents divorced over 30 years ago. My vo still cheats on his girlfriends and dates women younger than his grandchildren (last one I heard about was 19!). If he wasn't my grandfather I would probably dislike him based purely on the machismo way he lives his life. The truth of the matter is - despite all of this - my grandfather is a great guy. He knows how to make people laugh, he travels with his AA group, and keeps a friendship with my grandmother. He is very proud of me and tells anyone who can hear that his granddaughter was the only one who inherited his hazel eyes - and his alcoholism (after which he usually chuckles uncontrollably).

I spoke to my vo on the phone Sunday. He is in Rio de Janeiro so I rarely speak to him. It made me think about him and his life. He may not have made many people happy, but I know one thing for sure - he knows how to BE happy. He has always lived his life on his own terms and hasn't apologized for that. I am not justifying his alcoholism, his womanizing, or leaving his family - but I understand that the pursuit of happiness might not be the morally correct road traveled. There is what we should do and what we want to do. I think most of the time we do what we should - which is great, but think back to a major life decision that you made based on the should. Would you be happier now if you had taken the other road?

Doochebags

What has happened to standards? We used to have standards. I know many a smart, attractive, interesting, funny people who date complete doochebags. This is a trend with both female and male friends of mine. I feel as if I know them so well and hold such high hopes for their lives - only for them to ruin it by dating dooches. Do I hold my friends on pedestals that they don't deserve or do they simply not see their own potential themselves?

I believe - whole heartedly - that the latter is true. They simply don't know what they are worth. Is this a self-worth issue? I would NEVER date ANY of my friends significant others. I mean, if they had never been involved with a friend of mine - I would think them the dooches that they are and hope that they would commune only with equally doochey dooches.

I don't say "doochebag" lightly. I am not using that term because their significant other is a little annoying or a bit dumb. I use "doochebag" to mean ignorant, arrogant, jackass with no respect for anyone (including their significant other). Believe me, they have earned the term.

Some may not fit into the "doochebag" term, but may instead be composed partly of doochey-ness, partly of neediness, and partly of pathetic-ness (I know most of those aren't REAL words - but they should be).

I had one of my friend's boyfriend say such things as "women are naturally inferior to men," "I would never date a girl that didn't put out by date 5," and "oh look at the ass on that bitch," (all on different occasions mind you). One of my friend's girlfriends gets mad at him for EVERYTHING, speaks rudely to his family, and throws a hissy fit every time he goes anywhere without her. One of my friend's boyfriends wouldn't allow her to call him her "boyfriend" (even though they had been seeing each other for 3 years). Another friend's boyfriend 'made her' take out a piercing because he felt it was "TOO TRENDY" only later to get a giant tattoo of an animal on his arm to commemorate his favorite team.

So whats the problem here? Fear of being alone? Co-dependency? Stupidity? Lack of a vision of what is 'good' in a person? Lack of strength? I think about it everyday and it has become a frustrating part of my life. I have gotten blue in the face stating my opinion - to no avail. They don't know how great they are and I live with the fear that these dooches will ruin their lives forever. I guess there is not much I can do and they will simply have to learn on their own, the hard way.

Blogging Schmogging

I've got a Myspace, a Facebook, Linkedin and an Orkut account. Keeping up with social networks has become a chore - so I have begun to ignore them. So why begin a blog?

Although I kept a blog when I was traveling so that my friends and family would know I was alive and well - generally, I think blogs are pretentious. I don't know why people keep blogs on themselves and their daily lives. Who cares what you think? Why would anyone waste time reading someone else's ideas or points of view?

Even though I find all this to be true - I still decided to start a blog. Strange, I know. Don't knock it until you try it I guess. I'm not pretentious and probably will never give away the location of the blog to anyone I know - but maybe these posts could be therapeutic??? So here goes!