The Great Pretender

Do you ever feel like we are all pretending all the time? We pretend and put up walls to protect our egos. We both pretend to ourselves and to other people. I realize these are two very different things - with two very different effects. As my friend Jenn points out, if you are pretending to yourself, you are in turn recognizing that lie and not pretending at all. Valid point. But we STILL do it all the time. You may be upset about something, but you are working on telling yourself that you are fine with it. You bottle it up - because you tell yourself you are strong. Does this lie make you stronger or is it just masking the truth and making things unreal?

I pretend that I'm strong when I'm not, I pretend not to care when I do, I pretend to care when I don't...

I stopped pretending once... for a very short time. I was completely head over heals in love and thought that pretending was silly. So I was 110% honest about how I felt, what I wanted, where I wanted to go. Guess what happened there? I got crushed.

I am, of course, speaking of emotional lies and not lying to your boss or pretending to enjoy your job (although that may tie in here somehow). It may be part of the game of relationships between people. She can't know how much you like her or she may not like you anymore - he can't know you no longer have feelings for him because then you will be all alone. This forces us to pretend to ourselves - pretend we don't feel the way we feel. In turn, it translates into pretending to others.

In Greece I really liked this Aussie names Sammy. We hooked up a lot - but when we hung out I treated him like shit. I made fun of him, I ignored him, I pretended to dislike him. Why? Because I was convincing myself that I didn't like him - I couldn't. He lived in Greece... I was traveling around. It would only end poorly.

Although I admittedly hate pretending, it is necessary to our own survival. It, again, translates into our actions. I still have that little part of me that wants to say 'fuck it' and express everything to everyone. I want to tell my ex that thinking of him makes me want to throw up, I want to tell one of my guy friends that I think he is an amazing human being, I want to tell my girlfriend to stop obsessing with being in a relationship and start focusing on herself, I want to tell my buddy to go for his dreams and stop pretending to be happy... - but instead I'll smile at my ex and make small talk, I'll ignore my guy friend, I'll tell my girlfriend she looks great, and I'll just agree with everything my buddy says.

My friend Jennifer says I'm in a bit of an existential crisis...